Our hours together vanished somewhere. My mouth kept closed in search of the right words, but I couldn’t find anything save a tentative sigh. The cab pulled in over at her place, suggesting I’d run out of time. I tried to look at her, to see for any small sign of exhaustion that might indicate she was just as tired of all this hostility as I am, but she wouldn’t give me the chance. In a hurry, she kissed my right cheek dispassionately and left me inside the vehicle without even a word of goodbye.
You know, I searched the window for anything that would lead me far away from her. But the image of her- always seemed to reassert itself back into my mind. The image of her asleep, that is. The morning sunlight glistening off her soft, delicate skin like it had meant to. She was right there, right beside me, and at that moment all I had wanted to do, was to crawl from my side of the bed to hers, to hold her, to kiss her forehead and tell her that she is mine.
But somehow, in that same image, it was no longer possible. A vast space sprung up between us and suddenly, it felt like the other side had grown far beyond my reach. All around me, the air was gradually congealing. This was a time in my life where difficult decisions would have to be made and new troubles needed my absolute attention – and I asked myself if this was something I should worry about, now that my life had gone down to another fork in the road. In the car, I peered out of the window as life incoherently went by on the road. At that moment I couldn’t really decide.
The truth was, I would trace all tracks she’d leave on the ground. I would walk a million steps to be where she’d be. But she had begun to feel too distant. Too far. Like a ghost slowly getting ready to vanish, she has become so wild, hostile and fleeting. I remember she was the tender breeze, lightly brushing her fingers against mine. But with the sound of a thunder clap, she has become my severe storm, engulfing me away with the strength of her show. It astounds me now, as much as the morning sun above astounds us all, and it alarms me so, that maybe, just maybe – this is how it will all end. A heartless kiss to the cheek.
I know the world wouldn’t wait for me, dreaming of warmth and security behind closed doors. I know there are things that would have to take precedent over this inescapable feeling of loss. But every time my phone vibrates, I scowl at anyone else’s name that isn’t hers. I guess I’m worried.
I hopped off near my apartment and I decided to walk the rest of the way. I knew I’d feel better if I got there tired, as if I’ve accomplished something or ticked a box off my checklist (because effort matters).
But still, I ask myself, will we already have to say goodnight, from our own separate sides?